Revised Essay #1

The Scary Risk
“Can I sit next to you again?” Asked Kaitlyn Vasquez, Dan’s favorite (actually, least favorite) camper asked me as we were getting on the bus. “NO!” exclaimed Dan and I. It was going to be a long ride home from Bowcraft, an amusement park, and Dan and I wanted to enjoy it unlike the ride to the park where Kaitlyn was in-between us and fell asleep on me and kept kicking Dan with her feet. “There are plenty of other seats, go find one,” I said. Feeling very tired as the bus started rolling, I fell asleep in Dan’s lap. There was not a worry in the world, and I felt so comfortable with him so I immediately dozed off. It was not until a few weeks later when Dan told me his tailbone fell asleep and was hurting him but did not want to wake me when I realized, this man is perfect.
I think back to the summer of 2009 everyday because there is not one day where something does not remind me of it. It was one of the best summers I have ever had, and although some parts were difficult, I would not change anything that happened. I know a lot now that I did not know when I was struggling to find out answers, and I am glad I pursued exactly what I wanted. It was hard putting myself out there for fear of rejection and fear of getting hurt, especially so early into a dating scenario. However, if I had thought nothing of this opportunity, I would not be as happy a person as I am today.
It was June 29, 2009 also known as the day before camp commenced. I have always loved working as a camp counselor, but for some reason this year my heart was not in it, and I was dreading the long summer ahead. I reacquainted with my old coworkers and met new ones thinking to myself, “If these newbie’s are anything like some of the workers last year, I don’t want any part of being their friend.” I was not optimistic about this job, but tried to make the best of it and looking back on it, I am glad I changed my attitude otherwise I would not have Dan, my amazing boyfriend I am so lucky to have. It took a lot of confidence, perseverance and thought to pursue this relationship, and it would not be as great if we did not go through a number of adversities to get to the point we are at.
Since it was the summer, it meant it was time to have a summer fling, but not this year; not for me, at least. I was not looking for a “fling” or a relationship, I wanted to have fun with my friends and focus on myself, which was something I was not used to. For a majority of the summer, I enjoyed having time to myself and did not have to worry about drama or men. It was an exhilarating feeling considering all that I have been through in the past and the bad luck I could never get rid of. I was content with the life I was living and did not need a man to depend on my happiness until something changed my mind.
I never knew Dan until I worked with him this summer. We were both third grade counselors, but did not interact much until our coworker Ashley decided to change that. I spotted Dan playing kickball with the campers and the first thing I ever said to Ashley and Caitlin about him was, “I think Dan is a great guy, and he could make anyone happy. I don’t know him well, but I have a good feeling about him. I also think he’s really cute.” I did not intend on pursuing a relationship with him, the thought flew into my head and I felt the need to express it to my coworkers. After I said that Ashley responded, “You should go for him. I know him pretty well, and he is a good person. You two would be great together.” I did not know how to answer that because half of me wanted to, but the other half hesitated. Ashley can read me like a book so she saw my hesitation and said, “Don’t worry Cara, I got this covered.”
Ashley made the initiation and began to talk to Dan about me (or more like for me). I was a little afraid because Ashley exaggerates a lot, so her talk with Dan would turn out horribly or great. “He would love to go out with you,” said Ashley. About a week went by until Dan approached me about hanging out. Even though I wanted to go out with him, I was still a bit reluctant because I had to weigh the pros and cons of getting involved with a man. I thought to myself, “Don’t be stupid. This is what you want, go for it.” If I knew then what I know now, I would not have held back so much and I would have let my true self come out. The night before we went out on our first date was a Tuesday, and that whole night I could not sleep because I kept thinking about the good and the bad that could come of this. Finally, I shut my mind off and did not give it another thought until the next night. Our date night had arrived and I was more nervous than ever. Everything had to be perfect, and since I am a perfectionist, it took me hours to find the perfect outfit and to get ready.
Dan picked me up and we were on the way to The Cheesecake Factory on August 5, 2009. I was so anxious I could not compose the thoughts inside my head as they were racing a mile a minute. I knew it would be a distant car ride to our destination, which risked several awkward silences and running out of things to say. These events did not occur, it was in fact a very enjoyable car ride full of conversations about one of the many things we have in common, working at camp. When we arrived at our destination, Dan opened the door for me and we sat down in a booth inside the restaurant. Dan ordered Oreo cheesecake and I ordered Snickers cheesecake, and while we were waiting for both to arrive, we had nothing to do but to get to know each other. We talked about whatever came across our minds including television shows, movies, prom, college, and camp. It was delightful and I learned a lot about him in the short time we were there. He enjoyed himself too considering he wanted to go out again a few nights later, which I of course agreed.
All good things must come to an end of course, and it was nearing the last days of camp. Dan and I had a lot to figure out because we did not know where to take things from here. He was just starting school at Penn State, and since we did not know that much about each other, it would not be ideal to start a relationship at this point. In addition to him leaving for school, I was leaving for Italy for two weeks two days after camp would end, which meant when I came back from Italy, he would have left for school. We both did not know what to do or how to confront each other about it. Dan and I entered the last week of camp on an emotional rollercoaster.
“He’s going to Penn State!” I kept saying to Caitlin and Ashley. “How is this ever going to work? What if he finds someone else? What if he stops liking me, or forgets about me when I go to Italy? I’m so worried because I like him too much.” Caitlin calmed me down every time I had a breakdown about this topic. If Dan and I started a relationship, it would be challenging because of the long distance, not to mention it was horrible timing since camp was ending and I was leaving the country for a while. All we knew was that we had to talk about this and put everything on the table. I knew I had to do something that would scare me to death and that was show my cards and tell him how I feel otherwise I know I would regret it if I did not. I did not know how he felt about me, I was unclear if he felt the same way or if he liked me as much as I liked him. One of the most horrifying things in the world is expressing how you feel about someone else, especially when you first start dating and you have to decide if you are right for that person. The fear of rejection and being vulnerable is out in the open and you are exposing yourself as if you were defenseless in a world war. If I knew then what I know now, I had no reason to worry. Dan was not in the war fighting against me, he was right there next to me. The whole last week of camp was difficult for both of us, but the talk had to happen. It was just a matter of the time and place.
It was the last day of camp, finally. Everyone was happy and relieved, except for me. After all those weeks of agony and frustration of the dissatisfaction of working at camp, I was upset it was ending. I still had not talked to Dan, and the end of the day was approaching. Time was running out, so as we got on the bus to go to the bowling alley, our last trip of camp, we decided to talk about what our futures held. He asked me what I wanted and what we should do about us. I kept telling him, “It is ultimately your decision. You are the one starting college and going to school four hours away.” Dan had not a clue what to do or what to say to make things easier. We left things open ended until we got to the bowling alley.
The waterworks overwhelmed me that day. Every time I looked at Dan, I would tear up; I could not hold it together. He finally grabbed me and said, “I need to talk to you.” We went to the corner away from the campers and counselors to settle what we needed to. It was one of the hardest conversations I had ever had to have with someone. I knew I had to tell Dan how I felt; it was just a matter of getting the words out. He told me he did not want a girlfriend going into college, but he did not want whatever we had between us to end. I understood where he was coming from even though I felt a little disappointed. I could not tell him that because it would make me selfish, and it would be rushing into something we both were not ready for. I told him I wanted to be with him, but did not want to hold him back or tie him down when he was in college. We were not in a relationship, but we decided not to end things and to see how the first few weeks of school played out.
“How did it go?” Ashley asked. “Well, let’s put it at it’s not ‘goodbye’ it’s ‘see you later.’” I told her. She gave me a look that I could read so easily, she did not have to say one word. All I could see on her face was, “I’m sorry, but everything is going to be ok.” After the talk Dan and I had, I felt a little better because I had an idea of where I stood with him. However, it did not stop me from bawling like a baby the rest of the day. As Dan and I were ready to leave camp on the last day, he took a dare and kissed me. At this point, I knew he cared about me as much as I cared about him.
The following night I got together with my camp coworkers, including Dan and when we were alone I confessed everything that was bothering me. It was another hard conversation to have with him, but if I did not express my concerns, I would have not felt confident enough to leave for Italy. I actively needed to show him my affection and the only reason I worry is because I care so much. I was not ready to say what I had to so hastily, but realized it had to be done. “What if you forget about me? What if you meet someone else? What if you stop liking me?” All my questions were “what if” questions that I could not rid out of my head. He told me everything would okay and nothing would happen when I was away. It was an amazing night, and the next day I left for Italy.
The two weeks I was in Italy were the hardest two weeks of my life. I barely enjoyed my vacation because all I kept thinking about was Dan. I was worried that he found someone else, or he turned out to be a different person than what I thought. We were not able to call or text each other because I did not have cell phone service out of the country. I kept reading the texts he sent me the day I left to get me through each day.
When I came home, Dan was ecstatic to talk to me and I was even more rapturous to talk to him. Nothing had changed and I was worrying each day for no reason. If I knew in Italy, what I found out when I came home, I would have felt so much better being away from him (even though I hate the thought of it). It was so difficult each day waking up when I was gone and not being able to say even a word to Dan. Even though there was a lot of relief when I arrived home, Dan was still four hours away in another state and would be there for a long time.
It is difficult not being able to see Dan for a while, however being able to talk to him whenever I want makes things between us slightly easier. We talk for hours every night, and there is never a dull moment between us. I have to charge my cell phone each night because I use it so frequently from talking to him. We still did not have a title that defined us until I went to visit him and took the long four hour trip to Penn State when he asked me if we could be official, and without hesitation I completely agreed.
I believe Dan is the best thing that has ever happened to me. When I am around him, I cannot breathe and when I am not around him, I ache to be. I know this feeling is new to me and I know that everything we went through was worth it. What made me seek him out at a time when all I wanted was independence? The only answer I can give to this question is my instincts played a huge role in my decisions. The little things he does for me make me fall even harder for him. He opens every door for me. He carries my belongings, even if there is no weight to them. One time it was raining and we were walking. I was walking next to the road and he was on my right, he switched to the left side of me so when the cars came speeding past us the water from the puddles would not jump up splash me. Dan holds my hand when he kisses me and afterwards always kisses my forehead. He always is eager to hear all about my day and is there for me when things are rough, when I cannot even be there for myself he becomes strong for me. We can have a conversation about anything, which makes talking to him so easy and comfortable. When we are about to go to sleep he always texts me, “goodnight girlfriend” with a smiley face next to it. I always fall asleep and wake up with a huge smile on my face knowing that he is the one who put it there.